A Big Change of Heart

It's been quite some time since I've last posted on our blog, so out of the annals of my mind, I will have to dig deep. That's ok, it shouldn't take too long.

When we returned from our life changing trip to Africa last year, I didn't honestly think that we would be adopting any time soon. I knew that adoption would possibly come in the future, but not soon. Not within striking distance. I was so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings when we stepped off the plane at O'Hare in Chicago, about the last thing I was considering was adding to our family.

I've told friends and family for the last several years that we "are done." No more. Raising twins has been the single hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life over an extended period of time. To lose myself, to serve others and to have every ounce of patience and self-control demanded each and every day has almost brought me to the funny farm. Through it all, I've seen the persistence and pursuit of Christ, and He continually keeps me grounded through the Word, Fellowship and the Church. I thank Him for the resources that have been granted to us that we can remain sane in a complex environment.

This past fall, Jenn's sense of responsibility to adopt a child began to be a greater and greater compulsion as the days flew by. Finally, around Christmas time she finally stopped me and said "everything within me believes that the Lord would have us to adopt." At that point, things got pretty serious and tense. See, I didn't believe that this was what the Lord was wanting, and since I'm 50% shareholder in this corporation, she needed my vote. I was thinking of going to graduate school and possibly looking at my career options, and adoption wasn't a possibility.

Jenn is a fighter though. When she believes the Lord wants something, she strategizes and plots out a formal plan to attack the enemy when he is weak (when I'm tired or in a really, really good mood). She got me by guile. I was at a point of weakness when I surrendered. I'm kidding obviously, but she was persistent in bringing this vision up to me...a lot. Daily.

The turning point was Saturday January 21st. Jenn and I were both invited to celebrate the Chinese New Year with some friends at an authentic chinese restaurant here in Champaign. Jenn was unable to go because she had an adoption workshop to go to at a local church. I went to the restaurant and several of our friends asked where was Jenn? In jest I told them that "if Jenn wants to adopt, that was fine, but I was going out for Chinese!" But, wow does the Lord have his own sense of humor.

Throughout the evening, several men that I trust and respect asked me if we were serious about adopting. I explained to them that Jenn was way more involved and had traveled down the road farther than I had. I shared that I think it's very biblical to adopt, but that I wasn't engaged or emotionally involved yet, and until that occurred, I wasn't moving forward. My pastor shared with me that night that "adoption is the purest form of discipling." That moved me. Something within me pricked. I've seen all of the stories on TV of starving children in Africa. I've heard the stories of people that have adopted and their lives have been forever changed. However, I needed to come to grips with some social stigma regarding adopting a boy from Africa and I also had to come to grips with dropping $25k for a son.

And then the power storm hit. The next week, in my quite time on 1/28/12 (I have it notated in my Bible) I read Psalm 41. It brought me to my knees. 41:1"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak." That was it. There was the lightning bolt, the "two by four," the point of no return. I knew that the Lord was calling ME to something higher. Something loftier. Something incredible. Throw in James 1:27 " Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." All at once, I found myself on the pathway, following Jenn and trying (in vain) to catch up to her.

I walked up to her at church the next morning, knowing that the Lord was calling us to adopt, and just said "I'm in" and walked away. That was it. That was the crowning moment of my declaration of decision. "I'm in." Those words mean so much to me though. As a man, if you say you are "all in" that means you are "all in." Emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually. I was "all in" in this whole adoption thing. And then I heard an absolutely incredible message about a week later from Eric Lude, pastor at Ellerslie and it blew me away. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWHJ6-YhSYQ&sns=fb (I sincerely hope that you just watched that short video clip. If you didn't, I'll give you another chance. Go watch the clip). See, my son is in Africa. He's over there in an orphanage. Not eating right. Not having adequate water. Not clothed properly. He's not being emotionally and spiritually strengthened. He's my son, and I will "CLAW THROUGH A WALL TO GO GET MY SON!" He is mine. The Lord has given him to me. To nourish. To encourage. To strengthen. To disciple...

We've been accepted at the different agencies that we are working through, so now it's just the waiting game to get matched. Will you pray for us that the Lord matches us with the perfect boy for us? (you don't get to pick anymore, you get "matched" which is fine with us.) We are willing to adopt a special needs boy, and we feel called to do so. Psalm 41 told us that. I miss my son. He's out there. Waiting. Wanting to call me daddy. And I'm here. Waiting. Wanting to call out his name: Son.